How Are You?

When a blog losses its personal touch, it's bound to die. Commercial kills it. It's not easy to go back.  It feels like making yourself vulnerable to the eyes of others when it was once a source of fulfillment and a place to unload. I miss the journal feel and the comfort it gives me. I miss the comfort and presence of sympathetic friends as well

It sucks to have no sense of purpose in life and be in a place that is not where you belong yet. I honestly miss the support and warmth of compassionate people. Almost everything becomes uninteresting when you are in this stage of life.

If you would ask me when did the last time someone genuinely asked me how I am and actually did something about it, then I will say it’s probably 5 years ago. Someone cared enough to support me financially in my studies. It’s not even a real relative since it’s more of in-law related. That is how strange life is. You find those who really cared and those who concerned themselves with problems not of their own but of other people and they’re not even your family.

Winter is coming...

These are the toughest time when it’s hard to think and decide. The peak has gone and the confidence is lost. I wonder if it’s really possible to have a second climax. I wanted to let it burst but somehow prefer not to let it explode. I don't like the stain. I don't like someone would see. Because it’s true, I’m just weak.

I'm afraid to lose again. Or maybe it’s really a losing battle and I’m just afraid to accept the truth. If there would be a living hell in this world, it would be the love that withers with time. It’s when the person doesn’t love you anymore. It’s when slowly he/she pushes you away.

Love each other or perish...

I will share an excerpt from the book “Tuesdays with Morrie”, something that has caught my attention.

There are few rules I know to be true about love and marriage:

If you don’t respect the other person, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble.

If you don’t know how to compromise, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble.

If you can’t talk openly about what goes on between you, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble.

And if you don’t have a common set of values in life, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble.

Your values must be alike.

“And the biggest one of those values, Mitch?”

Yes?

“Your belief in the importance of your marriage.”

Breakup exists in any relationship

I ended up a very close relationship. I changed the status into just a typical civilized friendship. I know it was a rush decision, but I somehow felt some burden was freed. I was holding into memories that will never rekindle. And I need to admit that and give up any hope. As the other person took another path without looking back, I'd better not wait in the fork road. This person has long accepted that I will not have a part of her future. I was ahead of her, and I’ve patiently waited. I walk while she runs, and now she was so ahead that I can't reach her any longer. I will now face a different path and leave some things. With a lighter pack, it promises a longer journey.

I may be the one who made the lead, but in my heart this will be the second time that you had left me. Like leaving me in a cliff .Taken me for granted even after loving you dearly.

No, I was not that busy with my career as I have told earlier that I was initially ahead. I was just in the backstage waited to be called. It never happened. Never even got a chance for recognition. All I knew is that slowly and painfully, you let go of my hand that has been holding you.

Any relationship can end into a break up. Every relationship needs nourishing. Both need to work on it.

I just thought we had a very extraordinary friendship then. I know I shouldn’t, but it was you who really made me believe.

Thus, the old broom being much better than new one isn’t really true. Especially when the broom is not sensible and went into a deep amnesia.

Ang sakit ng ulo ko.

Kahit isang araw lang, isang gabi o kaya limang oras. Ay hindi. Kahit isang oras lang. Basta planado. Isang oras sa isang linggo na nakalaan para sa akin. Nakaschedule. Talagang nakalaan. Araw araw nandito ka. Pero may times na natatakot ako, hanggang kailan? Alam ko na may paghihirap at sakripisyo ka din. Gusto ko ipagsawalang bahala na lang. Iisipin na napakasaya ko. Pero hindi ko kayang lokohin sarili ko. Lalo na ang lokohin ang mga sarili natin. Pero ayaw ko din bigyan ka ng alalahanin. Dahil ayaw din kitang mawala. Minsan naiisip ko na selfish lang ako. Hindi naman kasi ako demanding. Pero dahil wala akong saya sa sarili ko, na minsan sayo ko din lang nahuhugot, hindi din ako makapagbigay ng saya sa tuwing magkausap na tayo. Minsan ang pangit lang kasing isipin na binigyan mo na ng limitasyon. Yung mga pahirit mu minsan is parang pilit lang. Ang sabi mo, 12-1 at 5-8 ka. Parang business deal. Nakikisosyo lang ako. Parang kabit din lang. Scheschedule lang. Gusto ko sana tanungin pano pag sa espesyal na araw. Panu pag weekends? Panu pag may work ka na?? Panu pag sa hinaharap may mas importante ka pang gagawin? Pero ayaw ko ng tanungin at mabuting hindi na lang ako umasa. Kapag lunch at dinner lang pwede. Hihintayin ko pa siguro na matapos kang kumaen o kaya matapos ka sa iba mong gagawin. Kung may natira pa, sana pwede pang matawag na quality time. Sana nga hindi delayed. Sana tutok ang atensyon. Nakapaghanda. Sa sabado at linggo ganun din, yun lang masyado akong libre at tutunganga lang at ikaw gaya ng dati busy pa din. In short there's nothing to look forward. Sana palagpasin mu kahit yung araw lang na yun sa isang buwan.

Morning Alone?

Parang napakawalang kwenta ko lately. As much as I wanted to be with him, bangag talaga ako. Sabi ko nga last time, sleeping habit ko. It's hard to adjust especially now.

Siguro kahit na walang ganong pisikal na ginagawa, utak ko ang umuubos ng lakas ko kakaisip ng kung anu ano. Sad to say, parang 3 weeks ng isang buwan ko ang ganito. Siguro nga, kailangan ko ng magpacheck up. Pero pag naiisip akong gagastos ako, nag aalangan ako.

Pinapatay ko yung pakiramdam na dapat ako makonsensiya. Panu yun? Wala akong emosyon na nararamdaman, parang manhid, dinedetach ko yung sarili ko sa pakiramdam else iiyak ako ng wala sa oras. Iiyak pero wala naman magbabago sa oras na nasayang? Para akong nagtake ng pampamanhid na droga, risky. Kalaunan, may masama ding epekto sa kalusugan ko.

Ayaw ko yung pakiramdam na 'pakiramdam nya' na binabalewala ko siya. Parang ang dami ko ng kasalanan ngayon. Alam kong walang kwenta na ako sa part na napakalayo ko sa kanya, madadagdagan pa ba yun?

Ngayon, parang nawawala na siya sa buhay ko sa kadahilanang wala ako sa gabi para makasama niya dahil maaga ako natutulog, gaya din nung nagrereview siya. Masisisi mo ba ako when its how it used to before? Pero gurl iba na ngayon at relationship ang pinag uusapan. Wala din siya sa umagang nakasanayan ko na lagi siyang nandiyan upang bumati sa akin ng magandang umaga. Magigising na lang siya na nasa trabaho na ako. Kaya simula ngayon, siguro talagang mag isa na lang ako, maliban dun, magkakalayo loob namin dala ng walang matinong komunikasyon.

Labis akong nalulungkot sa ganito. Napanghihinaan ako ng loob. Maaaring isang araw imumulat ko na lang ang mga mata ko, isa lang palang mahabang panaginip. Na once upon a time, nag ilusyon nanaman ako.

Sana.

Magising pa din siya ng maaga. Magigising pa nga ba siya?

So?

-Ayaw ko ng kape. Masama sa health ko dahil medyo may problema ako sa nerve, nanginginig ako at nawawalan ng balanse. Pero try ko uminom mamaya. Para naman kahit papano may nagawa ako.

-Nakakadismaya na hindi ko mahanap ang simcard ko.

 ------------------------------
Nagising siya ng maaga. O.A. lang ako noh? SIgh. Epekto nang nakatulog.

Distant Horizon

I did it again. Sorry.  I wanted to look back but time is refraining me. I’m holding the tears that have wanted to shed when I haven’t seen you this morning. It inflamed the self pity I’ve been feeling and keeping for the past days. I’ve been lonely and if this time I will deny it again, pretend everything is okay, I’ll die from it. I don’t want to admit it straight on you, for I am ashamed of myself. I wanted you so much that it hurts. Your attention is my nourishment, the fuel that has sustained me. Please bear with me. I'll work on it. I fear becoming an annoyance. I wanted to change myself. I wanted to be strong unlike being so dependent. I wanted to become the one you needed, the one that is right for you, else I’m better being solitaire.

I’m too vulnerable. I’m too weak. If only I can find the switch and minimize the emotion. Conscience is knocking, yet I am frozen. I cannot move. Not that I don’t love you, in fact I am so concern of you. I care for you more than I care for myself. I’m messing everything.

Please bear with me...

-Beyond Reach

When Hypocrite.

”Uu. Sekreto lang. Hindi ko sasabihin. Kasi ako to. Pero ishashare ko dito. Konti lang. Ignore ko lang. Hanggang sa lahat ma ignore ko na. Makalimutan ko yung pakiramdam. Tapos wala na kong pakialam. Pero hindi pa naman ganun. Kasi ibang case to. Sabi ko konti lang. Hairy heart.

Sabi nung isa, magaling daw ako. Sobrang galing na madami na din akong narinig na wala nga akong pakialam. Pero ssh... naiisip ko siya palagi. Wala lang akong ginagawa.”

MAGULO ang mga BABAE

1. Maraming gusto pero pagtinanong sasabihin wala

2. Pakipot to the ninth level pag inayawan naman maghahabol

3. Umiiyak ng walang dahilan

4. Sasabhin "OK LANG" galit naman pala

5. Magagalit pero hindi alam ang dahilan

6. Pabago bago ng isip

7. Feeling niya mangyayari sa kanya ung mga napapanuod nya sa telenovela

8. May Expiration ang DECISION

9. Ayaw ng makulit pero pag di mo pinansin magagalit

10. Lahat ng rason mo may pambara

I found this fb post from a fb friend and it was silly. Babae nga siguro ako. Toinx. I’m 8/10.

Pre-Slumber Thoughts

When I want to get going but find myself lying and just staring somewhere. Sometimes, I hold my tablet but will refuse to play games. I find myself opening the laptop but doing nothing critical. I want to start playing codes or watch movies but weak motivating power triumphs over me.

When I Was Lying in Bed and Waiting…

Life thought me that no matter how you like to be with someone, you have to accept you'll be walking on the surface of the world alone. You will not have what you wanted, because the real challenge is accepting what is only there and finding almost impossible happiness within.

I've been longing for the same thing. Tried finding it and failed many times. I'm confused whether it’s a sign for me to stop or to continue hoping because maybe, just maybe, fate will get tired of me from insisting.

I'm tempted to shut it down, turn it off. To try and taste the fury of being abandoned. How about getting into the wild and joining in rebellious attempt for evil?

Don't trust anything that has a mind of its own. -Harry Potter

I wish for a perfect diversion and no more temptation for something I desire but will never be mine. Let me live and let me become numb. Too much hurt. Hurt them...

My Red Baby

There will always be a child within us...

I've been gone. And the culprit, as usual, was my sleeping habit. I sleep like I a sick person though I wish it’s far from truth.

It was a big weekend except the fact that I wasted the following weekdays. My first baby was born. It is square headed like me. My impression will follow later.

I have everything now, everything that I needed. Yet, I still haven’t done the real leap. I know purchasing the device was already a step, but the real game is just about to begin.

My body is a bit deprived with happy chemicals and soon I might even forget how to really smile. Just this year, someone made me realize I don't even laugh. When did I actually stop laughing? I asked myself. It felt like part of me died and I only just realize my loss.

Also, this transition in life is turning me into emotionless human being. I don't want to be like this. I want happiness to surround every corner of my life. Back when I was young, I already had this confusion from people's behavior like there's something that makes them always unhappy and unsatisfied. And since I was just a child, I wonder what's wrong. I'm already idealistic back then. Life can be a fairy tale yet older people hold back.

Being older now, I learned the importance of those precious years for a child. I believe that children should have a beautiful childhood experience for they will bring those memories forever.

"I don't wanna be like that..." my child within me will say that. But I am here now, my turn. To make a difference? Let's see. I'll pray not to lose track.

For my little sissy, I hope she'll enjoy life. I wish this particular person will not damage her life...  And also I wish I can be a good and a model sister to her.

Exam Day...

Today is his exam. I've been thinking about him the whole day and I admit I am worried about him. I wanted to cheer him up but I knew I am not that convincing. I need to be careful not to burden him up. I have to avoid saying unnecessary things and to hide unwanted emotions.

I wish to be strong when he needed it, to give him the comfort like what home offers after being outside for too long. I'm not even the one who’s having the exam, but I’m almost scared as him for this venture.

Yet being strong was something I am dependent of him too. He is my strength but I wanted to become his strength too. But I don’t trust myself well, I worry a lot and I panic.

I don't want him to regret, like what happened last time, and hesitate from opening his thoughts and feelings. Like water flowing, I wanted our sharing relationship to stream smoothly.

Trust him.

O.T.

miss watching winnie the pooh movies...

The Sky When It's Too Bright...

So depressing...

The bright sky illuminating those ugly yellow leaves while it sways in the hot air of the afternoon annoys me. How I wish it turn into a shade of deep green and would remain like that forever.

I hate this part of the day. I always hate it. It gives me headache. It makes me sweat and dehydrated. It changes my mood. It makes me feel sick. It makes me lazy.

If only things are normal I will not be asking and waiting for His reasons. Did I die from suffocation in my old life? The escape I have is a fool's cheat, you'll wake up and find that there's really no improvements only lost time.

But then, good night.