The Sky When It's Too Bright...

So depressing...

The bright sky illuminating those ugly yellow leaves while it sways in the hot air of the afternoon annoys me. How I wish it turn into a shade of deep green and would remain like that forever.

I hate this part of the day. I always hate it. It gives me headache. It makes me sweat and dehydrated. It changes my mood. It makes me feel sick. It makes me lazy.

If only things are normal I will not be asking and waiting for His reasons. Did I die from suffocation in my old life? The escape I have is a fool's cheat, you'll wake up and find that there's really no improvements only lost time.

But then, good night.

In the Eyes of the Beholder

“The more it is insisted, the more I withdrew to change things.”

Living with someone’s expectations is no joke. I’m used into not minding them until I cannot take it any longer. It’s too much. I despise hypocrite people minding other person’s business when in reality they’re not in the right place to say such things. I wish they look into their own flaws first.

I’m getting oversensitive lately, especially when I am surrounded with people whose character I despise so much. It’s like they have their own gravitational pull, like a black hole. You’ll be crushed when you are not strong enough. Pretentions, paranoia and insecurities. Worst, the threaten ego can do damage. Let’s just wish it’s doesn’t makes its way into physical harm.

“People are curious. They bark.”

Is it that hard to give kindness and genuine concern? Turning our hero into an antagonist is scarier as always portrayed into stories. Being rotten is contagious; why not pass goodness instead of it? Criticisms are destructive. It is depressing when it’s too much. The weight of being unaccepted is heavy.

Yet, if we don’t shape up, soon we will be forced out. Isn’t it?

I know I’m over reacting that time. But it was close to unlocking some nightmare that has long been ignored. And if you know how it feels when it’s frightening, you wanted to scream. It really sucks when someone is complementing incorrectly especially if you know yourself it’s the opposite. It doesn’t cheer the person, it sounds sarcastic.

“An aristocrat should dress as befits his position. If he does not, he is showing contempt for others.” -Vampire Diaries. The Awakening

When someone expects you to be perfect and always beautiful…

So:

I need to calm down and yes, try to be beautiful…

I miss life...

I wish that everything would become interesting in the following days. It usually  feels like "Just letting the time pass". And so, I'm trying to find warmth through writing.

I don’t know what will happen to me if this will continue. Baka mabaliw ako. Haha. Blog turns into diary. I might turn into a robot.

I want to live life with purpose. I miss the action. I miss hanging with real people or at least with someone with same interests like mine.

I’m dreaming of joining an environmental organization or an organization that loves learning like programming or creative stuffs. That doesn't exist I know unless I'm mad enough to organize it. It's like creating your own path that differs from what is accustomed. As if its easy to find like minded people.

I wish to learn my capabilities and the potential that I have. I wanted to live life to the fullest. I don't want to end up having this thought again, “If only I knew those things before"

--Just some thoughts I had last night. Ewan ko ba, ang lungkot ko while I was in the bus.

Nikki’s Heartbreak

Minsan, ang hihintayin mo na lang sa isang relationship is kung kalian ka pagsasawaan. Scary right?

I found this in yahoo news:
“I don’t flirt when I’m in a relationship. I don’t want to do anything that will someday be done to me. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t do anything to deserve it.”

Iba iba naman ang timpla ng kape. Tamed looking guys have flaws too, sometimes scarier than you can imagine. Take it or leave it. What I am afraid to happen is when everything seemed right and then it is just another gag of life. All those time and effort invested and those emotions will evaporate into nothingness.

It’s just it’s hard to find some serious guys recently.

I admit I even experienced this “sawa” thing but it was a mutual feeling. However, I never experienced this same thing with my first love. Maybe because I never had enough of him. Never been overwhelmed or spoiled. Thus, I believe that if your love is really that “strong”, sawa will not happen. It’s just it didn’t work because we are not helping each other. It’s a different kind of problem that destroyed us. We live in a contrasting culture where we cannot just give up some of our practices, it’s hard when you cannot compensate. But I will give him this, that he has this potential of being a faithful lover. Unless he changed.

However, in my part, it’s “sayang”. After giving my full emotion, I wonder if I can deliver the same intensity if someone deserving will eventually come in my life.  It’s really different when it comes to first love, where feelings are completely heightened. A very bitter and very sweet memory.

Going back to Nikki Gil, we usually have this attitude of showing off whenever we got broken. I hate it, especially when it’s taking a lot of attention. Do you have to do crazy  stuffs because of this? To become rebellious person and do stupid things because you were hurt? But I’m not referring to Nikki here. Go sexy. Just another phrase I found in that yahoo news. But really, in a mildly way, I did some changes like cutting my hair etc. Yet, I returned to what I am. I like the simplicity.

Never play a woman’s heart.

“parang yung mga babae na iniwan ng bf nung college because pinagsawaan na .. damn!!!! Sorry”

Another comment I found in yahoo news. There’s a stab of truth here.

Now, I wish I am the girl he wanted to settle with.

Cards and T-shirt to LBC

I don't know why I'm blogging this. Maybe I just wanted to include some things I did this year since it still goes along with the purpose of this blog. Or maybe I want to have a way to express my useless ranting.

So I sent a card and t-shirt for my partner. A present to remind him I remembered. I need to rush things and went for LBC instead of snail mail. Inside a card is a key chain I bought in a Christian Store. Funny when you will recognize that the cost of freight is more expensive than the price of card and keychain combined. It costs around 160php while my thingy costs only around 50php. Haha.

I went bugging again with questions. Buti na lang wala yung guy na staff. I’m afraid I’ll get offended by asking questions with him. Luckily, it was a girl this time. She looks busy to be disturbed with questions though, but I keep on. I was just asking if where would they place the mug if that’s something I want to send. Unfortunately, she said that they don’t accept breakable things. I’m doomed. How about the mug I’m planning to give to boyfie?

I also asked what if I will send a big documents, like for example the size of x-ray. She showed me the plastic bag that would be used if it fits there. But I’m not sure for I don’t have the document with me that time. But what if it doesn’t fit there? She said something that sounds like “day 1” and pointed some packages. I didn’t understand what she’s trying to let me grasp though. But she said there’s a way… But I don’t know the price of that alternative.

Plan:

I’ll try 2Go next time. Rumors are that it’s cheaper.

Another Story

I was a bit embarrassed. Well, it’s only a keychain and card but he was very glad and that made me shy. I just wish I was able to see his expression. He said he appreciated it. Nakakakileg daw... >_<