Morning Alone?

Parang napakawalang kwenta ko lately. As much as I wanted to be with him, bangag talaga ako. Sabi ko nga last time, sleeping habit ko. It's hard to adjust especially now.

Siguro kahit na walang ganong pisikal na ginagawa, utak ko ang umuubos ng lakas ko kakaisip ng kung anu ano. Sad to say, parang 3 weeks ng isang buwan ko ang ganito. Siguro nga, kailangan ko ng magpacheck up. Pero pag naiisip akong gagastos ako, nag aalangan ako.

Pinapatay ko yung pakiramdam na dapat ako makonsensiya. Panu yun? Wala akong emosyon na nararamdaman, parang manhid, dinedetach ko yung sarili ko sa pakiramdam else iiyak ako ng wala sa oras. Iiyak pero wala naman magbabago sa oras na nasayang? Para akong nagtake ng pampamanhid na droga, risky. Kalaunan, may masama ding epekto sa kalusugan ko.

Ayaw ko yung pakiramdam na 'pakiramdam nya' na binabalewala ko siya. Parang ang dami ko ng kasalanan ngayon. Alam kong walang kwenta na ako sa part na napakalayo ko sa kanya, madadagdagan pa ba yun?

Ngayon, parang nawawala na siya sa buhay ko sa kadahilanang wala ako sa gabi para makasama niya dahil maaga ako natutulog, gaya din nung nagrereview siya. Masisisi mo ba ako when its how it used to before? Pero gurl iba na ngayon at relationship ang pinag uusapan. Wala din siya sa umagang nakasanayan ko na lagi siyang nandiyan upang bumati sa akin ng magandang umaga. Magigising na lang siya na nasa trabaho na ako. Kaya simula ngayon, siguro talagang mag isa na lang ako, maliban dun, magkakalayo loob namin dala ng walang matinong komunikasyon.

Labis akong nalulungkot sa ganito. Napanghihinaan ako ng loob. Maaaring isang araw imumulat ko na lang ang mga mata ko, isa lang palang mahabang panaginip. Na once upon a time, nag ilusyon nanaman ako.

Sana.

Magising pa din siya ng maaga. Magigising pa nga ba siya?

So?

-Ayaw ko ng kape. Masama sa health ko dahil medyo may problema ako sa nerve, nanginginig ako at nawawalan ng balanse. Pero try ko uminom mamaya. Para naman kahit papano may nagawa ako.

-Nakakadismaya na hindi ko mahanap ang simcard ko.

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Nagising siya ng maaga. O.A. lang ako noh? SIgh. Epekto nang nakatulog.

Distant Horizon

I did it again. Sorry.  I wanted to look back but time is refraining me. I’m holding the tears that have wanted to shed when I haven’t seen you this morning. It inflamed the self pity I’ve been feeling and keeping for the past days. I’ve been lonely and if this time I will deny it again, pretend everything is okay, I’ll die from it. I don’t want to admit it straight on you, for I am ashamed of myself. I wanted you so much that it hurts. Your attention is my nourishment, the fuel that has sustained me. Please bear with me. I'll work on it. I fear becoming an annoyance. I wanted to change myself. I wanted to be strong unlike being so dependent. I wanted to become the one you needed, the one that is right for you, else I’m better being solitaire.

I’m too vulnerable. I’m too weak. If only I can find the switch and minimize the emotion. Conscience is knocking, yet I am frozen. I cannot move. Not that I don’t love you, in fact I am so concern of you. I care for you more than I care for myself. I’m messing everything.

Please bear with me...

-Beyond Reach

When Hypocrite.

”Uu. Sekreto lang. Hindi ko sasabihin. Kasi ako to. Pero ishashare ko dito. Konti lang. Ignore ko lang. Hanggang sa lahat ma ignore ko na. Makalimutan ko yung pakiramdam. Tapos wala na kong pakialam. Pero hindi pa naman ganun. Kasi ibang case to. Sabi ko konti lang. Hairy heart.

Sabi nung isa, magaling daw ako. Sobrang galing na madami na din akong narinig na wala nga akong pakialam. Pero ssh... naiisip ko siya palagi. Wala lang akong ginagawa.”

MAGULO ang mga BABAE

1. Maraming gusto pero pagtinanong sasabihin wala

2. Pakipot to the ninth level pag inayawan naman maghahabol

3. Umiiyak ng walang dahilan

4. Sasabhin "OK LANG" galit naman pala

5. Magagalit pero hindi alam ang dahilan

6. Pabago bago ng isip

7. Feeling niya mangyayari sa kanya ung mga napapanuod nya sa telenovela

8. May Expiration ang DECISION

9. Ayaw ng makulit pero pag di mo pinansin magagalit

10. Lahat ng rason mo may pambara

I found this fb post from a fb friend and it was silly. Babae nga siguro ako. Toinx. I’m 8/10.

Pre-Slumber Thoughts

When I want to get going but find myself lying and just staring somewhere. Sometimes, I hold my tablet but will refuse to play games. I find myself opening the laptop but doing nothing critical. I want to start playing codes or watch movies but weak motivating power triumphs over me.

Whenever I cry...

...I remember. The pain that he caused me, for its one of a kind. It's a deep cut that will never heal. It feels like you cared and loved someone while he keeps on stabbing you straight in the heart. It doesn’t stop there. I know. Because it’s not only the heart that he hurt, my soul.

I endured those heartbreaking nightmares where it always him who makes it worse. Even my subconscious knew how bad he made me feel.

It's the meanest and most weakening thing a similar human being did. Sadly, a part of it being intentional. I wonder if he knows what conscience means or if he's capable of any.

“It's always the pain that you have started... frightens me.”

I wanna break free.

When I Was Lying in Bed and Waiting…

Life thought me that no matter how you like to be with someone, you have to accept you'll be walking on the surface of the world alone. You will not have what you wanted, because the real challenge is accepting what is only there and finding almost impossible happiness within.

I've been longing for the same thing. Tried finding it and failed many times. I'm confused whether it’s a sign for me to stop or to continue hoping because maybe, just maybe, fate will get tired of me from insisting.

I'm tempted to shut it down, turn it off. To try and taste the fury of being abandoned. How about getting into the wild and joining in rebellious attempt for evil?

Don't trust anything that has a mind of its own. -Harry Potter

I wish for a perfect diversion and no more temptation for something I desire but will never be mine. Let me live and let me become numb. Too much hurt. Hurt them...

Gabi Nanaman...

Gabi nanaman. Bukas pasok ulet. Bukas trabaho ulet. Tutungaga, gagawin ang trabaho, ishushut down ang utak. Pag kauwi matutulog dahil pagod. Bakit nga ba pagod? Wala naman ganung ginawa. Tapos weekend. Maglalaba. Pagod. Matutulog. Weekdays ulet. Trabaho. Tulog. Laba. Tulog.

Sana okay lang siya. Mukang gusto niyang mapag isa. Ah hindi, hindi lang pala ako makapaghintay. Akala ko ipagsasantabi muna niyang makasama ako.

Napakalungkot ng gabi. Napakatahimik. Nakakamahay. Tila ba patay ang paligid dala ng walang simoy na hangin. May mga kulisap na nagsisihunihan na para bang nagpapalapit sa aking sarili sa kalikasan.

Bukas, parang walang nangyari. Muling makikigulo sa ingay ng mga isipang gustong laging nangunguna. Parang ayaw ko ng muling imulat ang aking mata sa nakakasilaw na liwanag na kung di mag iingat ay maaaring humantong sa pagkabulag.

My Red Baby

There will always be a child within us...

I've been gone. And the culprit, as usual, was my sleeping habit. I sleep like I a sick person though I wish it’s far from truth.

It was a big weekend except the fact that I wasted the following weekdays. My first baby was born. It is square headed like me. My impression will follow later.

I have everything now, everything that I needed. Yet, I still haven’t done the real leap. I know purchasing the device was already a step, but the real game is just about to begin.

My body is a bit deprived with happy chemicals and soon I might even forget how to really smile. Just this year, someone made me realize I don't even laugh. When did I actually stop laughing? I asked myself. It felt like part of me died and I only just realize my loss.

Also, this transition in life is turning me into emotionless human being. I don't want to be like this. I want happiness to surround every corner of my life. Back when I was young, I already had this confusion from people's behavior like there's something that makes them always unhappy and unsatisfied. And since I was just a child, I wonder what's wrong. I'm already idealistic back then. Life can be a fairy tale yet older people hold back.

Being older now, I learned the importance of those precious years for a child. I believe that children should have a beautiful childhood experience for they will bring those memories forever.

"I don't wanna be like that..." my child within me will say that. But I am here now, my turn. To make a difference? Let's see. I'll pray not to lose track.

For my little sissy, I hope she'll enjoy life. I wish this particular person will not damage her life...  And also I wish I can be a good and a model sister to her.

Exam Day...

Today is his exam. I've been thinking about him the whole day and I admit I am worried about him. I wanted to cheer him up but I knew I am not that convincing. I need to be careful not to burden him up. I have to avoid saying unnecessary things and to hide unwanted emotions.

I wish to be strong when he needed it, to give him the comfort like what home offers after being outside for too long. I'm not even the one who’s having the exam, but I’m almost scared as him for this venture.

Yet being strong was something I am dependent of him too. He is my strength but I wanted to become his strength too. But I don’t trust myself well, I worry a lot and I panic.

I don't want him to regret, like what happened last time, and hesitate from opening his thoughts and feelings. Like water flowing, I wanted our sharing relationship to stream smoothly.

Trust him.

O.T.

miss watching winnie the pooh movies...